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Tantra is an ancient Indian tradition of meditation and ritual practices that seeks to channel the divine energy of the macrocosm in the human microcosm. Tantra in other words means to be an instrument of expansion.  The tantric puzzle of love is the game that one plays out through life experiences to transform and expand into love.  This can occur through self-development, relationships, creative projects, business endeavours and family dynamics.

Once you understand how to solve the puzzle of love, the game of life becomes a beautiful dance. To experience love in all areas of your life is a path towards enlightenment, and a journey that every light worker or spiritual being takes.

The tantric puzzle is specifically played out through the journey of self-love into the union of love with others, and ultimately into the expansion of love with the life around you.  You can solve the puzzle of love by dismantling expectations, changing yourself to improve the quality of love that your partner gives to you, heal the broken love patterns acquired in childhood so that family history doesn’t repeat, and most importantly, learning to love yourself more than anyone else can.


Since there is an innate desire to experience love, people are often caught in an array of romantic illusions to achieve the perfect love story.  Subconsciously, one is programmed to expect fulfilment from another as opposed to realising the fulfilment of love within the self first.  This illusion comes from romance novels, television, friends, nursery rhymes, films, magazines, your own family, ballads, songs, poetry, myths, legends and fairy tales.  How often have you fantasied about meeting Prince Charming, who rescues you from your troubles, and makes all your dreams come true?  It is the unconscious need to fulfil this illusion that becomes the driving force to attract unhealthy relationships.

Such scenarios include:

  • Expecting a relationship to cure loneliness.
  • Feeling it is a partner’s responsibility to make you happy.
  • Thinking that once you are in a relationship, all of your problems will be resolved like magic.
  • An expectation to be financially provided for by your partner – house, car, exotic holidays, handbags, shoes etc.
  • Expecting your partner to look, behave, act or love in a certain way.

Putting expectations upon another is an indication that there is a limiting belief that has created the illusion of lack.  Gratitude is the key to resolve expectations. When you recognise that you that live in an abundant reality, you will see the love that already exists. This then creates a healthy foundation for more love to grow from.

“Intimacy is not purely physical. It’s the act of connecting with someone so deeply, you feel like you can see into their soul”


Exercise: What are your expectations vs the reality

  1. Reflect upon your current or most recent past relationship.
  2. List the expectations you have/had of your partner.
  3. List the gratitude you have for your partner.
  4. How does this change the way you view the relationships?
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History Repeats

Many patterns that develop in relationships reflect what we observed as children from the way our parents related to each other. Unconsciously we seek to resolve the broken love we experienced from our parents, by attracting partners with similar personalities to our mother or father.  Even though there is no desire to repeat what happened in childhood, history does repeat itself. This is because the patterns of the previous generations have not been resolved and need to be so that love can flow freely again. Love should flow easily  between people without it being tangled in distorted thinking or corrupted actions.  Unfortunately, our parents and their parents before and so on, have for various reasons, distorted their understanding of love. Then they projected it onto their spouse to resolve it and vice versa.  This play created the family drama that you may have experienced as a child.

Becoming aware of the patterns that exist in your family and your partner’s family, and witnessing how they transpire in your relationship is essential.   Together through communication you can help each other resolve the broken patterns of love before they tangle together creating drama and destroying love in your relationship.

  1. Reflect upon your current or most recent past relationship.
  2. What distortions were you taught about love from your family?
  3. What distortions was your partner taught about love from his/her family?
  4. How did/do these patterns tangle your relationship?
  5. How can you transform them so they don’t get repeated?

HoldingCouple - How To Deepen Love and Sacred Intimacy

“If you love flower, don’t pick it up. Because if you pick it up it dies and ceases to be what you love. So if you love a flower, let it be. Love is not about possession. Love is about appreciation.”

– Osho

The Mirror

Like attracts like, people mirror us in positive and negative ways.  The saying ‘people bring out the best in you, or the worst in you’ applies. Human relationships are designed to help one master love. They become the perfect platform for your soul to be triggered so the distorted beliefs you hold evolve into wisdom.

Subconsciously, we call in partners who mirror our issues so that we are confronted by behaviours that need to shift.   Just like a mirror, thereflection will not change until you do.  If you do not grow out of limiting patterns, the same type of people, reflecting the same issues will keep showing up in your life.  For example if you are very emotionally demanding, chances are you will attract a partner with the same needs. You want your needs met and your partner is unable to meet them, because they have exactly the same needs, and they are expecting you to meet theirs. It is a no win situation unless you fulfil the need within you first.

The key is to transform the limiting beliefs that keep you away from experiencing unconditional love. In so you move out of needing and into cultivating love.  In order to achieve this you must develop excellent communication skills, and maturely confront issues with your partner so they too transform.  Sometimes however, a relationship is too toxic or abusive to transform and so you must choose to end the connection.  Looking into a broken mirror will only ever give a broken reflection, and in this case the healing comes in leaving.

  1. Reflect upon your current or most recent past relationship.
  2. Imagine looking into your partner’s eyes, what is the one thing you need to change in yourself to make him/her smile?

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Games are played out in the name of love

These games are usually running from patterns of neediness, dependency, possessiveness, jealousy, power, control and domination.  In these games, one says things to get a reaction from the other, withholds love in order to hurt, or blames the other as a way of projecting and not taking ownership of their own issues. Of course, when one plays games, our partner responds back with games. No one ever wins, only entanglement is created.

Playing games only gets you lost in a labyrinth of unfulfillment, and so instead you must learn to navigate your relationships towards love.  The easiest way to eliminate games is to spend just as much quality time with yourself as you do with your partner. In this way you learn to develop yourself by giving yourself the space needed to self reflect and grow out of childish needs. Then when you reunite with your partner you can operate in a more mature, more considerate and compassionate way. This will then teach your partner to treat you in the same way.

  • Reflect upon your current or most recent past relationship.
  • What games are/were you playing?

Being Your Own Soul Mate

Your soulmate is simply an expression of yourself. As you awaken your authentic self, the perfect mate will come or arise as a mirror manifestation of who and what you are.  You are not finding your soulmate but are removing the barriers, illusions and blocks to the realisation of yourself as love.  This makes the union with your soul the ultimate fulfillment.  As you cultivate a relationship with yourself, deeper intimacy with the truth of who you are opens, and this brings you into a deep communion with everything.   At the deepest level everything and everyone is your soul mate, there is only ‘one’.

Set a timer for 5 minutes and write down all the reasons why you are in love with yourself.

Remember, the purpose of a relationship is not to have another complete you, but to share your completeness with them.

Written by Vanya Silverten.

A photo posted by annakitney (@annakitney) on

A photo posted by annakitney (@annakitney) on

A photo posted by annakitney (@annakitney) on

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